Life

Things have been hard around here lately. I can't really put my finger on one particular thing, maybe it's the weather, the time of year, or the fact that it's almost "that time" of year again. I've come to realize in this journey of grief, that there really are no "easy" times of year anymore. Austin was a part of every "time of year" so we see his absence, profoundly, all the time.

A fellow grieving parent (who is much farther along in the journey) once asked me how we were doing, my immediate response was "we are doing good". He looked at me and said, "I know you're not, and nothing in this life will ever be wonderful again." He's right, life has lost much of it's color, I see things in muted color or black and white. I look forward to warm weather, yet at the same time the sounds and smells throw me back to that horrible evening all over again. I wake up most mornings counting down the hours until I can lay back down again. Sleep is a respite where my thoughts don't assault me.

I KNOW. . . . it's been almost three years. . .

Three years since I felt his heart beat in his chest, heard him breathe, touched his fingers, and put my arms around him. As the days have stretched into years, it's getting harder, not easier like I thought it would. I'm beginning to forget what it was like to have Austin. The part he played in our lives is beginning to fade, and that scares me to the core. I don't want to forget.

I struggle with being gracious to family and friends who just want us to be back to the way we were almost 3 years ago. I know they don't know what it's like, and I wouldn't want them to know. At the same time, I wonder why they think they know how our journey should go when they haven't lost a child. We HAVE lost a child and we still don't know how our journey should go. How do I get them to understand that everything is different, that normal is no longer, and the "way we were" before. . . is gone?
Then the questions come ~ Should we still be feeling like this? Are we "stuck" in our grief? I believe God put's people in our lives for a purpose ~ is this His way of telling us we are doing things wrong?

I struggle with trusting. . . . especially trusting God.

I know, it's horrible!

He's the one I should trust the most, believe me I know. . . . but putting into practice and actually trusting is HARD. I often wonder how our perfect God, who sees the whole story and knows how it's going to end can expect me, a completely imperfect person, with a completely fallen nature, to simply trust. He knew the end of the story when he sent His son to die for the sins of His people, He knew that Jesus would rise from the dead in just 3 days.
I don't know when I'm going to see my son again, and the ripple effects of his death, everything that has happened in the three years since he died, have been enough to almost tear me and my family apart. I think the results of Austin's death and all the changes we've had to go through, the effects of his death on our family are far harder to deal with than the fact that Austin died. I know he's OK now, that he's perfect and free from sin. But I also feel like every time I turn around, there is something else we need to "deal with" or have taken care of. . . and I'm just expected to be joyful and paste a smile on my face and go about my day. There are some days where the weight of life knocks me flat on my back and sits on me like a ton of bricks.

I've been told on more than a few occasions that I may not ask why. No matter what, I may not question why God took my son. But, didn't Jesus even ask why? On the cross, He asked His Father, "why have you forsaken me?". He was perfect and He asked why! Is it really wrong for me to cry in frustration to Him and ask why he took my son?

I often think back to the time before Austin died. We were content. Russ and I had just sat down together (a couple of weeks before) and discussed our hopes and dreams for the future. He was optimistic for the future and the job he had just taken with a lighting company. The future looked bright. Then June 1, 2015 came along and those dreams shattered, life as we knew it came to a screeching halt and we were left to pick up the pieces. Some of the pieces are so widely scattered that they will never be found.

We are told in God’s word that we are to “be content in whatsoever state we are”. I’m frustrated because I WAS content. I’ll be the first to admit that now I’m NOT content. So naturally I wonder ~ “God wants us to be content and even joyful in all circumstances. He took me from being content in my circumstances to being so discontent in every way.” Here is the “why” question again. Why would He do that? He wants me to be content, yet He’s given me circumstances in this life that make it EXTREMELY difficult to be content. Now I’m constantly longing for heaven, this world holds nothing for me, so what is the purpose of me being here, of any of us being here? Why can’t he just end the world now and take us all to heaven where we belong, and where we are told He wants us?

These are the questions I battle with daily.

Our pastor said something in his prayer a few weeks ago that really caught my attention. He prayed for those who know they need to trust God, but struggle to trust Him in all things. He used the word “wrestle”. This is exactly what I do every day. I wrestle with my thoughts all day long. It’s quite simply exhausting.

I’m not asking for answers, no one can heal us except God alone. I’m asking for understanding and grace. Here is a snippet of what daily life is like. This is SO.MUCH.HARDER than we could have ever imagined. Please be gracious. And even if you don’t understand, please. . . .

Just. Be. Gracious.

And pray.

You can’t fix it. We don’t expect you to fix it or to fix us. There are times when we can’t pray. We can’t even form the words on our tongues. Pray for us, to the only One who can fix us. Pray for His mercy and grace to carry us, because so often we can’t walk on our own.