A Letter to Austin

Dear Austin,
It has been nearly seven weeks since God took you home to heaven. As others around me continue on with their normal lives, my life is at a standstill, and I don't think we will ever be "normal" again. There is a huge hole everywhere I look that used to have you in it. Your room sits closed and empty upstairs. I can hardly bear to go in it because you aren't there. Your clothes are still in a pile on the playroom floor, I haven't had the heart to move them yet. Your shoe shelf is still packed with your shoes, so still, and unmoving and so unlike you. Your place at the table is achingly empty, your sparkling eyes are gone. My heart hurts as every day I set only five places instead of six. Our pew in church feels empty with only five of us to fill it. I still can hardly believe that you are gone. I miss you. I miss your excitement for life, and the smile that never seemed to leave your face, and always lit up your eyes. You were such a loving and compassionate boy. You were always looking out for your siblings and for me and making sure that we were OK. I wish more than anything to see you one more time, to hold you and to run my fingers through your hair. To be able to feel your weight in my arms and to feel your arms around my neck in one of your hugs. I haven't stopped thinking of you since you went home. I know you are doing so much better than I could ever imagine. You are seeing Jesus face to face and you are perfect! It helps me to think of you that way. Eternally happy and not having to be worried or scared anymore. I hope you knew how very much I loved you. I hope you know how very much I still love you. I hope you could feel how much I loved you on the morning you went home. I was blessed to be able to hear you take your first breath eight and a half years ago, and I was blessed to be able to be with you as you breathed your last breath and ran into the arms of our loving Saviour. As hard as it is to have you gone and as hard as it was to watch you go early that morning, I am at peace that you are no longer hurting. I couldn't bear to see you looking so bruised and battered. I had to let you go to heaven so you could be OK and not hurt anymore. I am doing OK. Your brother Calvin looks and acts so much like you, that he helps me be OK. God's amazing grace has carried me through the darkness of losing you, and helped me see the light on the other side. The light is dim, but it's there. God promised he would help me, and I have every confidence that he will.
I love you forever my sweet boy!
Love,
Mommy