When Your Grief is Attacked

We have hope, we do. We have hope because God sent His only begotten son to die for our sins and the sins of all His people. Therefore we have hope that we will see our son again, you know the one who tragically died 3 years ago? The one who's death has left a gaping hole in our lives? It has come to our attention that some people in our lives believe that we are stuck, that we aren't focusing enough on the living children we have and the life we have to live. I found this article that lays out so well our response to this kind of thinking.

I've adapted it as follows:


When Your Grief is Attacked

Grief bullies are all around us. I wish it weren't true, but it is; the desperately brokenhearted are ambushed and attacked for their normal response to grief.

It's happened to us. It's happened to our loss friends, and sadly, it will happen to the next parent whose precious child dies. Even people who seem to have amazing support will eventually experience and inexpiable shift, where suddenly people have "had enough". And every time I hear of this, my heart grieves deeper, and I have to fight the urge to reach out and shake the insensitive offender.

What's so appalling is that these unfounded attacks are often made by family and friends, the very people who should be supporting us the most. They claim to be "well meaning" and to have our best interest at heart. But it's the selfishly motivated desire to be rid of our grief that brings about this turn from support to attack.

Grief makes others uncomfortable, so they lash out. It's the ultimate version of kicking someone while they're down. It hurts my heart because the LAST thing in the world a grieving parent needs is to be "corrected" by a person who has no clue what they are talking about. And believe me when I say, if you've never experienced the death of your own child, you do NOT understand, and your opinion of child-loss grief is irrelevant.

It's sad that we live in a society that thinks you can "get over" the death of your child. How broken to believe a few months or years will be all it takes to heal such a massive, gaping wound. Is it that people don't really understand the bond between a parent and a child? I hardly think so.

What they don't see is that this "correction" actually sets healing back. How it makes it even harder to move forward. Otherwise they would know that it never ends; that love doesn't end with death. The grief of living without your child is new every day. Yes, it changes, but there is no such thing as the day you wake up and are "done" with your grief.

If people would just put more of their energy into supporting, nurturing and encouraging the bereaved instead of focusing on their own needs and opinions, it would be so much easier for grieving parents to heal in a healthy way.

IT'S TIME FOR GRIEF BULLYING TO END.

Here are some things that those of you who think you know how we should grieve, should think about:

Unless your own child has died, you do not understand the grief of child-loss. Period. So stop thinking you know how it should be done.

YOU DON'T.

We DID NOT choose this. We don't want to feel this way. If we are the ones who have to live this out, the VERY LEAST you can do is TRY to be understanding and compassionate. If we tell you how we feel, it doesn't matter one bit if you don't like it, or if you disagree with it.

It's not about you.

At all.

Your only job is to lovingly support us, right where we are at. If you can't do that, then you just need to keep quiet.

When it's decided that "someone needs to say something" or when you get the urge to "set us straight". . . .

STOP

Our child died.

Our hearts, our comfort, our joy, our safety, our future, our dreams and so much more have been shattered and we're just expected to keep on living.

WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

Suggesting that we "get help" or "move on" or anything similar to those statements do the opposite of helping us, they make our life harder when it's already about as hard as it can be. "Tough love" has NO place in grief support.

Helping us involves climbing down into the ugly pit of grief in which we now unwillingly reside, and sorting through the sorrow, anguish, rage and trauma with us. Your QUIET support is all that's required.

If our choice is grieving our beloved child's death in the way that works best for us, (mind you we are not doing anything illegal, unethical or immoral) or being your friend, you are going to lose. We will NOT pretend to be OK for the sake of people who don't understand. Our love and our loss are too big to hide, and it's not our job to make you feel better.

You have NO idea what it's like to live without your child, and your inability to understand doesn't mean we're doing it wrong. It means you have to put THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT into supporting us.

Our hearts are too full of love for our child and our energy is too tied up in supporting ourselves as we do the work we need to do to recover from this trauma.


Adapted from "Still Standing Magazine"