Happy New Year in Heaven

It has been nearly seven months since God called you home. Some days it seems like a really long time ago, but most days it feels like it just happened yesterday. I can vividly see you lying so still in the grass as two men, strangers then, tried to keep you stable until the paramedics arrived. I remember the sound of the Aeromed chopper as it landed down the street and, minutes later, lifted off to transport you to the hospital. I remember the drive to the hospital that seemed to take forever. I remember the sights and smells of the trauma bay where numerous doctors and nurses were working so hard to save your life. I can't forget the bright hope we felt when the cardiac surgeon came and told us that they had fixed your heart, and only minutes later, the sheer terror we felt as the neurosurgeon told us that you would not survive. My heart aches as I remember how hurt you looked, and all the medicines and machines that were being used to keep you alive. I remember the moment we knew that we had to let you go, and the sense of peace I felt, peace that only God could provide. By God's grace, we were sure of where you were going and that is the only way we could let you go. I'll never forget how it felt to curl up next to you, and feel my heart shatter as I felt your heart beat for the last time. I'll never forget the helpless feeling of leaving you in that hospital room and going home, never to have you come bounding through the door again. I remember trying to sleep for a couple of hours before we had to wake up and tell your brothers and sister that you had gone to heaven. I'll never forget the unending support of our family & friends and our pastor & church family. I am amazed with the way that God used them to hold us up during the most difficult week of our lives. I'm standing now on the eve of a new year, the last day of 2015. My heart physically aches because this is the last year that you were alive. It hurts to think of beginning a new year without you. The hole that your death has left in our family continues to gape, and the days stretch long before me. I long to hear your voice, see your smile and feel your arms around my neck. I'm reluctant to leave behind the year in which I got to experience all these blessings for the last time. By God's grace alone, I have survived that last seven months. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. You are what I think of as soon as I wake up, and you are the last thought at night before I go to sleep. The longer you are gone, the more I miss you and the more precious you become to me. I didn't think I could love you more than I do today, but I do. I will never forget you, my precious son.

All my love forever,
Mommy

An Open Letter

To the sweet older lady from church (and any others) who assumed I was expecting a baby because of the dress I wore. I hope it wasn't too awkward for you when I gave the answer of "no I am not pregnant". I hope you didn't feel as embarassed as I did, not being able to go into the painfully long story of why I look like I might be pregnant, but am in fact not. I don't know if you remember, but about four and a half months ago, something happened in my family that has left me shattered, and my heart broken. My young son, Austin was suddenly and traumatically taken from this earth to his heavenly home, when he was hit by a car in front of our house. After surgery and an eight hour struggle in the ICU, God saw it fit to take Austin to Himself. In turn, we have been left with a gaping void in our home, in our family, in our lives. The moment Austin went home to heaven, I became a different person. I will never go back to the way I was before he died. My priorities have changed, I believe, for the better. All the energy and emphasis that I put into weight loss and exercise before Austin died, is now used most days, just to get out of bed in the morning. To begin another day as the mother of a dead child. I've also begun to expend some of that energy on constant prayer to God for His grace to help me through the day, and some of it on immersing myself in God's word. As a result, I don't have the energy to plan healthy meals that have the right amount of points. I don't have the energy to mimic a workout video in my alone time after my son leaves for school. While I am not necessarily pleased with how I look, I feel that my first priority needs to be my God and my family. I do hope to eventually get to the point where I have energy to do other things, but right now, I need to take care of myself, and the way I've been doing it the last four and a half months seems pretty good to me considering what I've been through. I'm still here. I do get up in the morning and take care of my family. As much as I wanted to, by God's grace, I didn't die with my son four and a half months ago. I need you to be patient with me. I have a gaping wound, and I need to take it easy so as not to make the wound any deeper than it already is. As far as I know, you have NO idea what it is like to lose a child, so please don't assume I should be further along than what I am. I won't ever be the person I was before Austin died again. Please be patient with me and pray for me instead of judging me.

Three Months

Three months ago today, God, in his infinite wisdom, led you to begin walking the final stretch of your time here on earth. Nothing could have prepared us for the decision we would have to make hours later. We had to let you go so you could run into Jesus' arms and be OK. In some ways it seems so long ago, but in others it seems like just yesterday. Here we are on the first day of September already. Today, your brother started his first day of sixth grade, and if we had had it our way, you would have started your first day of third grade, but God's ways are better than our ways. It was hard this morning to get Bradyn up and walk past your room without getting you up. I missed the excitement I'm sure you would have had, and your sweet, sleepy smile. I missed getting you your breakfast, making your lunch and packing your back pack. I missed bringing you to school, walking with you to find your new teacher, and watching you renew friendships nearly forgotten over the summer. In God's perfect plan, you are not starting a new school year with all your friends, going into the third grade. In God's perfect plan, you are living another day in perfection. You have completed your work on this earth. At only eight years of age, God said to you "Well done, my good and faithful servant, your work here is finished, and your mansion in heaven is ready." As painful as it has been to walk the last three months here without you, we are comforted in remembering that you are no longer hurting and you are perfect! As many of your classmates experienced the joy and excitement of a new school building and seeing friends again today, you CONTINUE to experience PERFECT joy in heaven, worshipping daily with our Lord and seeing Jesus face to face! We don't hurt because you are hurting, we hurt because our earthly bond with you has been severed, but we rejoice too. We rejoice for you precious boy, that you no longer have to suffer or face temptation. We long for the day when we can join you in perfection and worship together at our Savior's feet.

Love you forever, sweet boy!

A Letter to Austin

Dear Austin,
It has been nearly seven weeks since God took you home to heaven. As others around me continue on with their normal lives, my life is at a standstill, and I don't think we will ever be "normal" again. There is a huge hole everywhere I look that used to have you in it. Your room sits closed and empty upstairs. I can hardly bear to go in it because you aren't there. Your clothes are still in a pile on the playroom floor, I haven't had the heart to move them yet. Your shoe shelf is still packed with your shoes, so still, and unmoving and so unlike you. Your place at the table is achingly empty, your sparkling eyes are gone. My heart hurts as every day I set only five places instead of six. Our pew in church feels empty with only five of us to fill it. I still can hardly believe that you are gone. I miss you. I miss your excitement for life, and the smile that never seemed to leave your face, and always lit up your eyes. You were such a loving and compassionate boy. You were always looking out for your siblings and for me and making sure that we were OK. I wish more than anything to see you one more time, to hold you and to run my fingers through your hair. To be able to feel your weight in my arms and to feel your arms around my neck in one of your hugs. I haven't stopped thinking of you since you went home. I know you are doing so much better than I could ever imagine. You are seeing Jesus face to face and you are perfect! It helps me to think of you that way. Eternally happy and not having to be worried or scared anymore. I hope you knew how very much I loved you. I hope you know how very much I still love you. I hope you could feel how much I loved you on the morning you went home. I was blessed to be able to hear you take your first breath eight and a half years ago, and I was blessed to be able to be with you as you breathed your last breath and ran into the arms of our loving Saviour. As hard as it is to have you gone and as hard as it was to watch you go early that morning, I am at peace that you are no longer hurting. I couldn't bear to see you looking so bruised and battered. I had to let you go to heaven so you could be OK and not hurt anymore. I am doing OK. Your brother Calvin looks and acts so much like you, that he helps me be OK. God's amazing grace has carried me through the darkness of losing you, and helped me see the light on the other side. The light is dim, but it's there. God promised he would help me, and I have every confidence that he will.
I love you forever my sweet boy!
Love,
Mommy

Bradyn is 11!!

Well, exactly 1 month ago, we celebrated Bradyn's 11th birthday. His special day fell on a Sunday this year, so aside from going to church, we didn't really do anything else special on his birthday. We had a roast, potatoes, veggies dinner for lunch (his favorite) and pepperoni stromboli for supper. I had made a cake for him with a Detroit Tiger's symbol on it, but we didn't actually enjoy it until Monday night after supper, because Russ and I had kids without the kids on Sunday night.

He isn't quite as fun to watch open presents, but he still enjoys receiving something special. He received and electronic basketball hoop for the playroom upstairs with two hoops and wireless scoring so he can play an actual game, and a metal cut out Tigers sign for his room. He loved them both. He also was able to purchase a new Tigers sweatshirt with money he received for his birthday.

We are so thankful that God has blessed us with such a loving and compassionate son. He is an amazing blessing! Although we have (and continue to have) our tough times with him, we know and are humbled that God chose US to be his parents. Please continue to pray for us as we seek to do what is best for him.

Gracie is Two!!

On Friday, March 13, we were able to celebrate Gracie's second birthday! We are floored by how fast these past two years went!! She is growing up so fast and amazes us everyday with the things she knows and picks up from her brothers.
Gracie loves balloons, so I blew up about 25 of them and put them on the floor of her room during her nap. She woke up, and was so surprised by all the balloons! Later that night we were able to have a party with just our family. We had tacos (her favorite) for supper, and a flower shaped cupcake cake. I don't think she fully understood it was her birthday, but she did enjoy it when we would sing to her.

She loved her cake! It was fun to watch her eyes light up when she saw the candles.

She also loved opening her gifts. She received a pink talking teapot (she loves pouring us some tea to drink) and a big basket of pink sand toys for the sandbox and beach this summer. She loved them both!

We are once again humbled that God has blessed us with this precious little girl for the past two years. She has brought much joy to our lives and we can't wait to see what God has in store for her in the years to come!

Bradyn's Broken Wrist

As most of you know, a few weeks ago, Bradyn broke his wrist while at an outing with BUILD group, the boys group from church. They were sledding at Charlie's Dump (the soccer bowl), and he thought it would be fun to go over a jump. His sled ended up turning backwards halfway down, so he went over the jump backwards and landed awkwardly on his wrist. He says he knew it was broken right away. I was running errends in Jenison, so I wasn't too far away when Keith called me. That was nice for Bradyn, because he was in quite a bit of pain. We dropped the rest of the kids off at my mom's and headed in to Metro Hospital's ER. While we were there they poked and prodded and took x-rays. I was rather surprised when they came in and said it was broken. I was expecting (at worst) a sprain. They put his arm in a splint all the way up and around his elbow, so that if more swelling occurred, there was room for it.

If you enlarge the picture you can see a darker area (the break) just below the growth plate on the bigger bone.

We left the ER a little while later with instructions to administer OTC meds as needed and to call an orthopedic surgeon for an appointment on what steps to take next. We were able to get in with an orthopedic surgeon that following Wednesday, where they put him in a cast that went only half way up his arm. This gave him much more freedom of movement and also was much lighter than the splint. It was also waterproof, so no more monkeying with a bag over his arm while showering. He decided on green for the color to match all the MSU clothes he's been wearing.

About a week and a half after getting the cast put on, it was starting to fall apart and the padding around his thumb and fingers was gone, causing it to be uncomfortable for him. We found some green duct tape at the dollar store to cover it for a while, but that started to fall off too. We decided to try to get a different cast put on. So, back to the orthopedic surgeon! They took more x-rays to determine whether they needed to put another hard cast on, or if they could graduate him to a brace. The x-rays showed that there was definitely some new bone growth, but you could also still see the break, so it was decided to put him in a new cast, and to extend the time period by two weeks. Now instead of getting it off on March 31, he will get it off on April 13, Lord willing. The new cast is a different kind, and much better in my opinion. This time he decided on bright orange, for the Detroit Tigers.

Taking the old cast off

Nice, new, clean cast

All in all he is doing well with it. Now that he is in a hard cast, he has been able to write some with his right hand. Though it takes him a bit longer, and isn't quite as neat as before, it is legible, so that is a big relief for him. The big question for him is how many of his little league games he is going to have to miss. We just received an email from his coach, saying that he wants to have a couple of practices during spring break. Bradyn wants to attend these, so he can be in on what is going on. Hopefully we can get some exercises for him to do, to strengthen his arm once the cast comes off. He has expressed along with his disappointment, that he knows this was God's will for him, so for that we are thankful!